Live and learn!

A small change in your properties, could effect the entire result. I worked on a very small problem of mine, and it was a myth. The friends of mine were not ready to admit that even it's a problem. Looked at me as if I am moron. My IQ was more than any one in my list of friends. They wanted me to ignore it, as if it is a piece of shit, how could I . . . when I live it daily? They were not ready to comprehend the possibility of it being actually exist. But I did neither ignored it nor let it take my life.

It occupied my mind, took my energy and used to eat my thoughts alive. It was like being tormented by your enemy for some valuable information. And imagine you had to go through it every second, no escape from it. Fighting it and again concentrating on the daily mundane activities . . .


Multiple threads . . . and nothing in your mind and soul to overcome it. No strong memory to out weigh it. Now how was I supposed to come out of that suffering? Sometimes, it was so easy to think to quit and run away and be a normal girl. But . . . I had to fight. I am not a girl who quits so quickly. I would take anything just to stop it. I thought alright bring it on, it's you or me; get out of my head.

To be honest I was very scared that this would be with me all my life. I was scared to stand in front of it. But . . . I did not give my hope even in my hopelessness. Don't ever give up my friends. No one understands you or empathizes you . . . fine, you can fight it alone. Believe me, have faith in you. You are more stronger than you think. You know it exist as you live it daily. So take necessary steps to make them disappear from your life / mind / any . . . choice is yours. Once you resolve the main, then you can move forward towards your goals with double the confidence.


Life offered me the worst pain, anything other than that . . . seem to be so least. So stood with no hope of wining the battle against your own mind. Searched if I could get one soul who could comprehend me. But all in vain. None, I had to put myself all that shit. I dared to do stuff. And what? Now the problem is gone. A core property of mine, disappeared. And now it does not bother me. It is like it never existed.


Work on your problem no matters others comprehend it or not. You know how powerful it is, so you decide how to solve it. Take the risk, collect insults if you have to. But don't hesitate for a second to correct your basic character(s) and thoughts.


Don't ever neglect your happiness. It is what matters at the end of the day. Remaining all others - fuck them all. They don't matter, not any more. Go for your happiness. Work for it, or else you would be forced to live without it. And living without happiness is not possible . . . I know. So find your happiness. Once you do this happiness is so hard to find, therefore hang on tight to it. Or you will loose it . . . 



Live and learn!

You WILL know

I cannot tell you here and now who your soul mate might be but what I can do is show you what characteristics they will have so that you will be able to recognize them and look for them yourself.

Your soul mate is a person with whom from the outset, you have a special connection. He or she is someone to whom you are profoundly drawn. On first meeting your soul mate you will find that you instantly click, that there is a rapport. You feel that no one else in the room matters. They are someone with whom you have chemistry and you spark off one another, you are so intrigued by them that you find yourself listening more than you want to talk.

Your soul mate will be someone with whom you immediately feel comfortable. When you first meet, your heart may skip a beat at the mere mention of their name, your stomach may churn when you bump into them but they should also, in time, be someone with whom you feel at one. With this person you should feel safe and secure. They are not a person who would undermine you. They are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small and they will love, respect and care for you.

Your soul mate is not someone who would ever want you to change. They think the world of you as you are. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and your relationship with them should be honest. You should not be afraid of telling them anything because they love you as you are! They will never judge you and whatever you do their opinion of you will not change.

You are always "yourself" when you are together. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries, be twenty years apart, none of that has any bearing on whether you are perfectly matched. You see more in each other than the naked eye could ever see. You see into each others souls which is why you have this deep, strong link.

There is an unspoken language between you and the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you. You will often think the same things at the same times. You are able to finish each others sentences on occasions.

When you meet this special person you WILL know. It will be instinctive and it will be different from any feeling that you have ever had for anyone in the past.

What happens now?

No, I am not afraid of you!

Wow!

I suspect I know what has happened here. You should have been safe inside of your mind. You have never felt safe. You are your own worst enemy Olivia.

You took the opportunity to let your fears to overwhelm you. But you just fought back, in the end you are as strong as you I believed in you Olivia.

Now you have to go back. It's amazing what a couple of hours could do to a guy.

Now . . .

I feel as if woke up from really a strange and dangerous dream! For some reason I am not afraid of moving forward any more.

Incite love!

I have these desires, oh! God, they kill me. But I cannot implement them. And I really want them but I can't get them. I am like why the fuck I am so intelligent? Why I got these animal instincts that torment me?

You cannot even imagine why I want a strong man as my husband, you don't fit in my stereotype of male. Nothing of you seems to fit in my desires, nothing but . . . the emotions I have on you. It's the irony. Why I have what I have on you?

I am sure you cannot give me what I want then why I love you so much? Why this love . . . abyss of love on a man who does not even care about me? Not a clue. I wish I could just to go my native place ASAP. Hmm! How tormenting it is for me here. I have this control on myself. But . . . mind . . . who has the guts to control it. It reaches to its peak. You don't know how hard for me to resist to grab you and kiss you so hard that you would never depart. But . . . you don't love me. You are not a white.

Before it was so nice, I know what I wanted. I just want a white guy. Now; You in between, it's so complicated. You just can't give me what I desire. Why the hell I have to fall for you? Hell.

I don't compromise, in my life, if I want Benz I want that only, not any stupid cars in between. I got that level of self control and patience. I would walk rather get into another car of not my kind.

Bloody can you imagine without any taste of heaven for 24years? Can you at least imagine? Not even the dew drops and fueling is the love on you? The only parameter stops me is my love! I want a man who could love me with his heart and soul. But finding the only one seems . . . the impossible.

Once I could find, God! I would be no more be this thirsty again! I need not control, no more, sky is the limit. My rules, bloody my genetic make up. Bytes, can't take it any more but have to, can't use it but got immense knowledge in that, can't wait for it but I have no other choice, and can't even do it with any other man just like that.

My mate!

The burning desires . . . ! Whispering in my ears and letting me to hallucinate into the world of intimate closure. Not able to come out of the web of adumbrate fantasies.

Hell of hell. Do you at least comprehend my pain? The innate pain caused by your incite love?

Success!

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

How could you not see it?

Sometimes I think you are so near, sometimes I think you are so far. Why are you so cruel? Why are you so indifferent? Why are you so merciless? I am dying every second here, without you and without your memory. I even try to construct how it is with you . . . around me in my life? I look back every time I walk in streets with a blind belief you would follow me. But every time I do that I get a stroke, a pinch of acute pain in the heart and a dry tear in eyes. I feel I am the unluckiest girl in this world. Who is so desperate to meet you and talk to you.

What have I done to you? All I have done is to love you from my soul . . . and you give me this deep shit. But what can I say? Just to silently endure it, drink it as if it's a elixir.

It saddens when I see a couple every time having fun! This kills me, and every time it does I shout with vehement cry. The happiness around you . . . I miss it. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss playing with you. I miss teasing you. I miss taking you in the arms. I miss you consoling you. I miss you all of it, every part of it. And everything about it.

I don't care I being with you is a lie, but all I have is this lie. This lie of the memories is what keeps me alive. But I cannot embrace it . . . It so unreal. Reality scares me fantasy gives me breath. Now you tell me how can I be so happy in the real world? Your pain is too much to take. It's beyond the containment. I will not be able to handle it any further, a saturation point is nearing me. I am crying for you . . . dying for you . . . what - why do you care? What for you? It's so hard to see you in silence and not able to talk to you! And tell you how much you mean to me. And I will do anything to just keep you from going from my life. I cannot do it, you are so far. Left here, with my tsunami of sorrow. It hit me so bad I am not able to recover from it. It takes me with a surprise. I don't even know it. One tsunami of cry is fine, how do I take the multiple hits of it? Again and Again, they come and destroy my heart, break it with a tons of pressure of not seeing you in my dreams.

I am thirsty for your solace, hug and I am thirsty for you affection. So addicted to you, you so unaware of it. I am scared I would burn in this lava. I wanna touch you and feel you . . . kiss you all around your face. And hug you so hard that you wont be able to go . . . But you have to come to me for that isn't it? You  won't . . . and I can't ! Why you have to? This is all crap to you right? Nothing touches you, neither my tears . . . I cried thousands of them for a stony heart like you nor my pain. I am going through a lot of it. That I can't take it any more. You wont listen it, even when you do you will close your ears. Who will save me from this never ending pain of Satanic hell? None! I beg and beg for the help . . . but no one listens. If you don't bother to hear why would others even consider?

I would give you my piece of heart, cut freshly in front of you with a smiling face if it makes you happy I  ain't even hesitate  . . . Take it, it is all yours, I shall not mind. You stay happy there, on your lips, not knowing how it is deep inside me. I look happy and lively but only I know how hard it is for me to maintain it all the day. How hard it is to stop the cry and impulsive tears . . . hide them from all others. You come as a cool breeze all of a sudden in the open moor touch my heart and give me pleasure for a nanosecond. It goes, vanishes in the split second when I realize it's all a lie. A lie I created around me to keep myself alive. I stay there, in the corner, all alone, not wanting to come in front of you! I keep myself busy from not to keep you in my mind like this . . . as I know this is the road which lead direct to my tomb. I don't wanna take it, don't force me to take it.

I wish to run away from this all but my legs unknowingly walk me till there. I wanna run, far and very far where there is not even a single instance of you. But I don't have a courage, this is going to destroy me. Going to perish me from my roots. Nothing interests me except you. Nothing satisfies me except feeling your presence near me. I wanna kiss you light on your lips. A tender touch . . . every time I see you and express you my love on you. But . . . there is no you! You disappear. I look around and around, and shout with hysteria, "Where are you my love? Why aren't you coming to me?" Theirs never a answer, I get no reply from you.  I am so alone in the streets or at the home. I touch the fog that is not here, and feel your heat in that . . . so false! So unrealistic. But I love that, it's the only thing I have in my life. A deep heat pain strikes me when every day I see into the vacuum of my life without you.

I cry and I cry . . . I cry . . . How could you not see it?

I am not able to cut you off from my life. You don't care how I suffer the pain of you . . . you are so happy there. Without even a hiccup of my hell!