What happens now?

No, I am not afraid of you!

Wow!

I suspect I know what has happened here. You should have been safe inside of your mind. You have never felt safe. You are your own worst enemy Olivia.

You took the opportunity to let your fears to overwhelm you. But you just fought back, in the end you are as strong as you I believed in you Olivia.

Now you have to go back. It's amazing what a couple of hours could do to a guy.

Now . . .

I feel as if woke up from really a strange and dangerous dream! For some reason I am not afraid of moving forward any more.

Incite love!

I have these desires, oh! God, they kill me. But I cannot implement them. And I really want them but I can't get them. I am like why the fuck I am so intelligent? Why I got these animal instincts that torment me?

You cannot even imagine why I want a strong man as my husband, you don't fit in my stereotype of male. Nothing of you seems to fit in my desires, nothing but . . . the emotions I have on you. It's the irony. Why I have what I have on you?

I am sure you cannot give me what I want then why I love you so much? Why this love . . . abyss of love on a man who does not even care about me? Not a clue. I wish I could just to go my native place ASAP. Hmm! How tormenting it is for me here. I have this control on myself. But . . . mind . . . who has the guts to control it. It reaches to its peak. You don't know how hard for me to resist to grab you and kiss you so hard that you would never depart. But . . . you don't love me. You are not a white.

Before it was so nice, I know what I wanted. I just want a white guy. Now; You in between, it's so complicated. You just can't give me what I desire. Why the hell I have to fall for you? Hell.

I don't compromise, in my life, if I want Benz I want that only, not any stupid cars in between. I got that level of self control and patience. I would walk rather get into another car of not my kind.

Bloody can you imagine without any taste of heaven for 24years? Can you at least imagine? Not even the dew drops and fueling is the love on you? The only parameter stops me is my love! I want a man who could love me with his heart and soul. But finding the only one seems . . . the impossible.

Once I could find, God! I would be no more be this thirsty again! I need not control, no more, sky is the limit. My rules, bloody my genetic make up. Bytes, can't take it any more but have to, can't use it but got immense knowledge in that, can't wait for it but I have no other choice, and can't even do it with any other man just like that.

My mate!

The burning desires . . . ! Whispering in my ears and letting me to hallucinate into the world of intimate closure. Not able to come out of the web of adumbrate fantasies.

Hell of hell. Do you at least comprehend my pain? The innate pain caused by your incite love?

Success!

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

How could you not see it?

Sometimes I think you are so near, sometimes I think you are so far. Why are you so cruel? Why are you so indifferent? Why are you so merciless? I am dying every second here, without you and without your memory. I even try to construct how it is with you . . . around me in my life? I look back every time I walk in streets with a blind belief you would follow me. But every time I do that I get a stroke, a pinch of acute pain in the heart and a dry tear in eyes. I feel I am the unluckiest girl in this world. Who is so desperate to meet you and talk to you.

What have I done to you? All I have done is to love you from my soul . . . and you give me this deep shit. But what can I say? Just to silently endure it, drink it as if it's a elixir.

It saddens when I see a couple every time having fun! This kills me, and every time it does I shout with vehement cry. The happiness around you . . . I miss it. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss playing with you. I miss teasing you. I miss taking you in the arms. I miss you consoling you. I miss you all of it, every part of it. And everything about it.

I don't care I being with you is a lie, but all I have is this lie. This lie of the memories is what keeps me alive. But I cannot embrace it . . . It so unreal. Reality scares me fantasy gives me breath. Now you tell me how can I be so happy in the real world? Your pain is too much to take. It's beyond the containment. I will not be able to handle it any further, a saturation point is nearing me. I am crying for you . . . dying for you . . . what - why do you care? What for you? It's so hard to see you in silence and not able to talk to you! And tell you how much you mean to me. And I will do anything to just keep you from going from my life. I cannot do it, you are so far. Left here, with my tsunami of sorrow. It hit me so bad I am not able to recover from it. It takes me with a surprise. I don't even know it. One tsunami of cry is fine, how do I take the multiple hits of it? Again and Again, they come and destroy my heart, break it with a tons of pressure of not seeing you in my dreams.

I am thirsty for your solace, hug and I am thirsty for you affection. So addicted to you, you so unaware of it. I am scared I would burn in this lava. I wanna touch you and feel you . . . kiss you all around your face. And hug you so hard that you wont be able to go . . . But you have to come to me for that isn't it? You  won't . . . and I can't ! Why you have to? This is all crap to you right? Nothing touches you, neither my tears . . . I cried thousands of them for a stony heart like you nor my pain. I am going through a lot of it. That I can't take it any more. You wont listen it, even when you do you will close your ears. Who will save me from this never ending pain of Satanic hell? None! I beg and beg for the help . . . but no one listens. If you don't bother to hear why would others even consider?

I would give you my piece of heart, cut freshly in front of you with a smiling face if it makes you happy I  ain't even hesitate  . . . Take it, it is all yours, I shall not mind. You stay happy there, on your lips, not knowing how it is deep inside me. I look happy and lively but only I know how hard it is for me to maintain it all the day. How hard it is to stop the cry and impulsive tears . . . hide them from all others. You come as a cool breeze all of a sudden in the open moor touch my heart and give me pleasure for a nanosecond. It goes, vanishes in the split second when I realize it's all a lie. A lie I created around me to keep myself alive. I stay there, in the corner, all alone, not wanting to come in front of you! I keep myself busy from not to keep you in my mind like this . . . as I know this is the road which lead direct to my tomb. I don't wanna take it, don't force me to take it.

I wish to run away from this all but my legs unknowingly walk me till there. I wanna run, far and very far where there is not even a single instance of you. But I don't have a courage, this is going to destroy me. Going to perish me from my roots. Nothing interests me except you. Nothing satisfies me except feeling your presence near me. I wanna kiss you light on your lips. A tender touch . . . every time I see you and express you my love on you. But . . . there is no you! You disappear. I look around and around, and shout with hysteria, "Where are you my love? Why aren't you coming to me?" Theirs never a answer, I get no reply from you.  I am so alone in the streets or at the home. I touch the fog that is not here, and feel your heat in that . . . so false! So unrealistic. But I love that, it's the only thing I have in my life. A deep heat pain strikes me when every day I see into the vacuum of my life without you.

I cry and I cry . . . I cry . . . How could you not see it?

I am not able to cut you off from my life. You don't care how I suffer the pain of you . . . you are so happy there. Without even a hiccup of my hell!

Feelings . . . so strong!

You wanted a man with the only one property and by luck, and by chance and by God's grace you meet one. But . . . you have this hard, and obsessed feelings for him. You feel great amount of love and affection on him but . . . all in vain. They are crap to him; the one you feel these things for. You can't express that to him and say, "I love you." Life is really so complicated. Nothing is straight. It's so weird that we are compelled to live with so many parameters. 

God! Please give the one who thinks and feels the same for me with that single property embedded in Him. It takes a great deal of struggle to delete the feelings you have. It's so numb not to say a word to him and not able to . . . No matter how great I accumulate my energy I can't say this all to him. I fear . . . don't know what.

It's not this guy's mistake that he came into my life, but still how to avoid him when avoid him is next to impossible? How to delete him when you know he is the one man in your life who impressed you . . . the only one who bypassed my filters. Who passed all the conditions I have designed for myself. But there's a probability that I did not pass his filters. Which is must for him to feel the same for me. Hmm! So helplessness . . . so pathetic. But what's this? Why this happens? Why I have to go through all of this crap? I hate pain, I thought finally I am out, again see I am so vulnerable.

Life is becoming so complicated for me, not able to live it like normal people does. This high emotions in me does not allow me to live perfunctory life. I have to feel them . . . sometimes it's a boon but most of the time it's a curse. Some times I look at a girl - who is so happy nothing matters to her. Nothing, not even any weed or any disease in the society, family or say in her own life. So happy and contended, no goals like me, no dreams, no zeal to touch stars. I wish how nice it would be if I could lead a life like this girl with no hyper emotions and happy with the things around her the way they are. So stupid, ha! I use a lot of my brain where I am not supposed to use it. I hate it. This property of mine. But I can't avoid it. It's what makes me what I am!

I cannot run from myself.

I have to wait . . . for the mercy of God! I don't know why he gives me this pain, may be perhaps he wants me to feel it . . . because I got the strength to digest it ! ! ! 

Anything that comes to you with no cost around it wont be a value in it. The one which comes to you with a great deal of pain and effort carries around a great force of preciousness. When I wish for true love before giving it to me He wants me to know the value of it. I think it's the only thing . . . that keeps me away from my love!

God exists? Very very slim.

The double quotations are my comments, to my statements, Tanin has given answers very cleverly. I liked his patience, determination and his stubbornness. I like this qualities in Him. Any more questions you have? I have posted this because in the conclusion he accepted that there is God, but chances are very very slim. Thank God, he did. I believe in God, you like it or not.


My sleep is asynchronous to your timezone.

"Well, I believe in God because of logic only, but you never consider my point. I mean, I have experienced some illogical things, got help at correct time, precisely at the perfect second and so on..."
- That only proves you got help at the right time. Many people do not get help at the right time and die. It doesn't prove anything about the existence of a god.

"Agreed, probability, in that case probability of God's existence is 50 and 50. Why deny this probability?"
- Actually, the probability of the existence of gods is not 50/50. For example, if I claim that I can fly by flapping my arms, the probabilities of this being NOT true is far grater than the probability of this claim being true. Just because something can be true or false, does not mean that the claim has a 50/50 chance of being true. You may want to study probability theory in order to understand this.

"What's the nature? Define it please, you are so patient. I love that property of yours."
- Nature is everything in the universe that is objectively observable by any means.

"Why not? I believe that I love my dad and mom a lot and lot and it's real to me as well as to my parents."
- You love your parents because your parents are real and your relationship with them is real as well. For some reason, you're flipping this logic around for god. You're saying that a god exists because you love it. In our Universe nothing exists just because you love it. Things needs to exist first. For example, let's say that I would love to own a small Island. I love that thought, but the thought alone doesn't make my dream island a real thing. It's still just a thing in my head.

"Name1: Universe"
- The universe is the word used for the physical world. How is that proof for the existence of gods? Everything we've learned about the universe so far points to the fact that there are no gods in reality.

"Does Universe answer you to this question?"
- No

"God proved it, only if you are willing to agree it. If some one helps you and you say it's his responsibility as a human, and strike off his help as a humanity then you will never find a human who helps others. You can then say no one helps and 'helping others' is a myth. Now please don't ask me when he proved. "
- Reality does not require you to agree with it and has no obligation to make you feel better. It exists independent of subjective opinions. And we helped each other before humans came up with gods. If we didn't help each other, we would not have survived as a species. Empathy and altruism are evolved traits that enable many social beings to cooperate and mutually survive. No gods are needed for that either.

"How egg?"
- Gradual genetic recombination, genetic drift, mutations and environmental selections evolved some species of dinosaurs to birds. Since mutational changes happen during conception, the egg would be the start. (chickens are birds too) The chicken and egg question is silly from an evolutionary perspective. It's like placing stones on a table as with each stone placed ask the question "Is this a pile?" At what point is it a pile? 5 stones? 10 stones? 12 stones? The change is gradual. The same applies to biological changes. Evolution is so gradual that it's not useful to ask when one species becomes another.

"I understood your point Tanin, but you did not. You are saying that, "there are things that science not yet defined, in fact yet to discover, so please wait until that . . . before things are mysterious and I cannot attribute it to the God's miracle.""
- There is no good reason to attribute any mystery or unknown thing to a god figure. In science it is perfectly fine to say "I don't know (yet)". History has taught us that attributing things we don't understand to gods is counter productive in our search for knowledge and always leads to failures of thought and disappointment.

"So what if the science reaches to a saturation point and then comes to conclusion that this all complex things, universe, galaxy, solar systems, earth, humans, are beyond anything or any one.

Well, it's a probability, that Science can reach God. Doesn't it? Assuming (assume, in Mathematics assumption is first step, so not a problem please assume for now ) that God exists?"
- The problem with that assumption is that we already know too much about the Universe to assume that. It's like saying "What if we discover that the reason thunder strikes is too far beyond anyone" Well, we already know why thunder strikes. That assumption is unnecessary.

Science has never, ever, ever moved towards a position where the existence of gods becomes more probable. Every single assumption made about the universe by religious people has been proven to be false, pushing the belief in gods back to ever smaller places. The Earth is not at the center of the Universe, the Earth was not made in a week by a god, the night sky is not a curtain, women are not made from ribs, humans evolved like all the other creatures on this planet, diseases are not curses or punishments but the result of bacterial or viral infections or other natural causes, etc, etc, etc. Religion and god-belief has always been on the losing end. Never in the 7000 year history of religions has a god been proven to do anything. Even in the developing world, these facts are becoming harder and harder to ignore.

"Is there a chance or say probability? I know you are not blindly wont say no probability of God's existence."
- There isn't a place for gods in reality. Only in fantasy. It's like asking "What are the odds that invisible flying horses exist?". Very, very slim.




By Tanin Ehrami

Natural Process!

A natural process is one that humans can observe an measure objectively (meaning everyone gets the same result, regardless of what they "believe"). 

 
In contrast, a supernatural process requires you to "believe", even when the measurements are non-existent, or are contrary to belief.

From our measurements of natural processes, we have created "laws" or theories, that represent our provisional conclusions about our universe. We calls these conclusions "proof", because they continue to become more internally consistent and explanatory over time.

Everything we know about the creation of our universe, and life in our universe conforms to these conclusions, and the conclusions are reaffirmed by every new discovery we make. Scientists have created reproducing, evolving forms of life from nothing more than genomes constructed from nucleic acids and a dead package of cellular material by applying our conclusions about natural processes.

In contrast, belief in the supernatural (like religious belief) continually fragments into internally contradictory opinions, with increasingly less explanatory power over time. As such, it represents a highly unreliable form of knowledge. Such beliefs can neither predict outcomes or show any measurable material changes to the natural world. They are indistinguishable from imagination.

One does not have to be an expert in the sciences to trust in it: the outcomes are immediately apparent to anyone living in the world today. In contrast, the supernatural world is only apparent to those who "believe" in it, and all definitions are inferred from the belief system. For instance, what is Heaven like? How can one know? Which God is the real God? The very concepts are all tautologies.

As an atheist, I do not know everything, but I don't pretend to either, by claiming God fills our gaps in knowledge. That is an intellectually lazy approach to the search for truth, as it requires no accountability. Millions have been killed in the name of Gods that are no longer believed in, and millions more will be killed by Gods that are currently believed in, but will go out of fashion in the near future. No current beliefs in God would even be recognized by those living a scant 200 years ago. A terrible and unnecessary waste of humanity perpetrated by those who cannot be bothered to justify by their beliefs.