I hate Mumbai!

I hate Mumbai,
I hate Mumbai,
I hate Mumbai Jayashree - Dwani. 

So sweet girl. She hates Mumbai. She really hates Mumbai. I love Delhi. I can feel her words in her sentence. I could feel that disgusting feeling on Mumbai in her eyes and body language. The stress she was giving. I know she is not a liar. Innocent, lovely and caring and good girl. She is from Mumbai but studied in Chandigarh Ryan International some name in Chandighar. Forgot, did not concentrate on it much. She was there for 4 years and she made bound with Punjabi friends. She loves them a lot.

"I love Delhi."

"Punjabi people are very horrible people, they got a lot and lot of temper and two horns. They don't talk to us, they say, "Let the other person come and talk to us. Do you know that? Very very very proud." They never talked to me when I went to that school there. One year, no one even said hi to me.

But after one year. They became my the best friends. Now they die and cry for me. My parents cheated me. They tricked me to stay here in Mumbai, else I would have been with my friends there in Chandigarh. They love me and they even cry for me. In them one Punjabi male, Aditya Sood, I love him a lot. 2 years, I still love him. I scolded him very recently couldn't control the anger. And he stopped talking to me. I have wounded myself for him, attempted to die for him. Three times, look at my scars. She showed her hand. She loves this Aditya, I thought.

 

You tell your story . . . and did not give me chance to speak and she started to speak . . . LOL!

Every friend of me and him and even his own sister tried talking to him and asking him to accept me and my love but sala . . .

"Dwani, I would love a dirty and ugly girl who has no money and she is horrible looking but I wont accept you. And that's once and final. You are my good friend you will be the friend whom I like thousand times. And that's it. I will never accept you and your love." ~ Aditya

"I would slap him moron Abitya. You are so sweet and lovely girl. :)" ~ Me.

"Thank you. So sweet." "I am intelligent you see Jayashree Pandu. I like to talk in English. I am good at English and I write novels." Dwani.

"I know you are intelligent." ~ Me. I smiled and I was honest.

Looked surprised and said, "Thank you."

Her parents are two business magnets. Brother but not understanding. She is so lonely, but thank God she has friends. All she has is friends.

"My astrologer says, I will get into love marriage." I stare at him with anguish. But that fellow keeps on saying that . . . my mom doesn't trust it but I am like, me do not even have a boy friend. Aditaya hates me. I got this dream to marry the only one whom I love Jayashree. I just wanna love a guy and only marry that guy. Seriously I have that desire. I don't know why Jayashree. I saw sadness in her eyes. I wrote a novel on Aditya and me, I have created a vedio of me and Aditya. And wrote a novel of our love story. By mistake it went to Aditya's hand. He called me and said, "You write so good Dwani." I was so shocked and was so happy. 

 

"Get the book, I will read it when you meet next time." ~ Me

 

"I don't have it, it went to Aditya's home via the album by mistake." Dwani

My mom don't trust that stupid astrologer who says that I will get into love marriage. My brother is very bad. He is dead serious with me. Doesn't tolerate me or even my friends. I don't talk to his friends to. Who will talk, stupid brother. :( She was sad I felt it in her eyes, she did not say it. But I can feel it.

"I am with my friend Jayashree. What's your number?" "We will meet again."

My question was, "Will we Dwani? So nice name." That popped in my head when I was biding her goodbye. Loved this date with Dwani. Felt so happy to meet her. An intelligent female. :)

My story!

My story starts the day when one of my male friend said few words about females. Those words changed me and my perception on life. The determination to achieve something in life made me what I am today.

The adamant nature is my biggest plus point.
I never gave up, I bend and do not break.

That day we were walking on the street, going to class together. He is very good at Java, he has a perfect programming skills or say Java skills. He is male and he has ego. I was very innocent back them. My world was to have fun and pass the time with friends. I only know one thing have fun and enjoy every moment as it comes . . . I did not had any goals and any kind of aims. I wanted to get married and be a normal house wife. A stupid girl!

A moron back then but I always had a good heart. I am good by my nature. Being good is my choice but from the starting I was good and kind to others. It's my Genetics. I thank God for that. I never understood:

Jealous,
Envy,
Hatred, and
Anger.

Back then my only intention was to smile every second. And bam that day is a successful day. I am a quick learner and English skills made me the topper in my college even with one day batting in colleges and schools, sometimes its only a hour - batting.

As usual I did not concentrate on what my sir was saying. He all of a sudden took a topic, "Jayashree you females are so moron. You keep on writing on notes. God knows what you females write. And you look at only our male lecturer. You fall in love with them and that's it. You write him letters, and come to classes only for him. And you females don't even understand what's Java means. So pathetic creatures. You females are only fit for one thing. To be in kitchen. And serve all the males. I don't even understand why parents spend all money in the education of a female."

I looked at him. I said only these words, "Females can work."

He smiled and said, "No you females can't. Fit for nothing."

Our class came and we sat in our respective seats. That incident had created a very huge impact on my mind. I did not get angry at him. I gave a thought. I wanted him to be wrong. It was just a seed that was sowed in my mind by a male whose ego talked that day. I ignored that incident. But . . . seed was sowed. And my psychology was watering that seed.

I was calm, and not proud of my achievement. I got a job. I never took pride in my job. That's not my identity. That's my livelihood. I thank God for giving me this wonderful life. I am not that stupid. I still did not had any goals in my life. I am still a girl who is normal. I wanted to get married and have kids. Getting salary and struggling to keep that job. I am intelligent and I never knew it.

"So you got the job? Good and you are growing in your career. Good, I thought you cannot stay in job for more than a month. You were such a stupid girl with no wisdom, knowledge and goals. Simple and innocent female and you still in job." The same friend who said females are not fit for anything.

"Yes I am in job. So now I want to be team leader. I want to work more hard."

"You just recently joined in a job and you dream of team leader? What are you made up of?"

"I don't care, I love challenges. Next I want to be team leader."

"You Jayashree, you aim big. Your desires don't stop you are very ambitious. Just a month back you wanted job now you aim for team leader? You are very Greedy in your aims."

"What ever." I cried. Tears came out. I felt that I am bad. But I did not stop. I never stopped in my dreams.

The wind to my fire!

The same guy who planted a seed, watered it too and nurturing it without his knowledge.

I stood up and said to myself, "I am a good person. I am not greedy and I am not ambitious. I want to achieve something in my life."

I am too innocent back then. Did not understand this desperation to achieve something. I had that determination and persistence in me. No matter what others opine of me I am not going to give up on myself. The mind of me is incredible. It never listened to any other person in my life. It had the courage to do what it wants to do. It screwed all other peoples advices and discouragement and bad feelings they were emitting.

I cried and cried, not able to understand my zeal to do something in life. I had to accept what I am . . . for that I have to understand what I am . . . who will tell me? Who will help me?

None did that,
No one came for my rescue.

Very small pain, but intensity was huge. I was alone all my life. I never had luxury of parent's guidance and was very bad people skills. No friends who would meet my high energy. All are normal minded people with normal IQ. I started talking to God. It was from my childhood. God became my friend, the best friend. He always helps me in time of need.

Professors and great people used to talk to me. They tried to help me. They guided me and said, "If you don't understand us now. Wait, don't give up." They felt my potential. I was still unaware of my IQ. "I am just a female in India." But nonetheless, my mind started doing it's magic without my consciousness aware.

"I wanna settle in USA. I hate Indians."

"What now you wanna settle in India and marry a white guy? You are freak. Your goals and dreams never end. You are a female who will never stop your hunger in money and properties and you are very bad female. You like western culture? Disgusting."

Again cried. But this time he showed me something I never knew.

My ability to aim for highest targets. Now I understood one of property of me. I aim impossibles.

Coming to Delhi was impossible,
Doing job was impossible,
Getting salary was impossible,
Not getting myself was impossible,
Being normal team member was impossible,
Having normal communication skills was impossible,
Staying with hypocrites and demeaning people was impossible,

Everything was impossible back then. But I was living that impossible. The disgusting words and the bad feeling he gave me for who I am . . .

Made me realize my potential.

An Indian male made me what I am today. A moron made me realize how powerful my mind can be and what I can achieve in my life. "Can I?" I asked myself. "What's wrong in trying Jayashree?"

"You are nuts Jayashree." I was talking to myself.

"So . . . you in or out?"

"I am in."

"Show me your power, I wanna see what I am capable of doing or achieving."

"How badly you want to be not ordinary?"

"I am willing to take any kind of risk in my life. I am willing to sacrifice my future just to see what I am capable of . . . "

Wicked smile. Jayashree show me what are you.


I did not even understand that male friend of mine is very bad. I was that good by heart. I used to say, "Why are you saying such a mean things to me?" I love myself. I am proud of myself. Even now I did not give up on my goodness. Most of think my goodness and kindness is my weakness. I don't think so. It's God's gift to me. I will never let anyones badness take my goodness and faith in humanity.

I am doing all this to prove to myself.

Mind is very powerful thing.
There is no more powerful weapon than our mind.
Educate and feed it with all things positive.

Namaste!

Poorness will create mutations. The helplessness creates changes in DNA. The compelling force to survive in extreme harsh environments makes humans to change our DNA according to the environment so we can survive in any horrible environment. Evolution is proof of that. Poor people tend to fight diseases very easily than rich. Mother Nature will keep them alive. They sleep in the lap of mother earth.

She sings a song of jingles so those poor people can sleep in peace. The mud takes their pain and cures the wounds. The wind will give them strength, the walking gives them stamina. The more comforts you give to your body the mutations stops.

I walk even now . . . I don't take an auto. I walk a lot . . . and it gives me a lot of stamina. Cleans my mind and makes me active 100 times more better with respect to my psychological condition. I am coping because I am choosing their life style. Not giving myself comforts or luxury but only needs. Nothing extra, making my mind to learn and react quickly. I am forcing it not to shut down. I am forcing it to think quickly and respond quickly. I am trying to get back my complete IQ.

I did not have my childhood. I was denied of games. I had many weaknesses. Intelligent human might have understood it by now. I am coping up. I am facing my weakness. All this years I was running and keeping myself safe in an container. Now I am no more interested in doing it. I am giving a lot of pain to my mind and body so it is compelled to mutate itself. I am not giving up on myself. I want my life back. I want what I want. I wanna live my life my way not the way my chromosomes define me. I am defining my own mind and body.

Mental strength is needed to fight it. It's not easy to face your own mind. How can you fight the one who knows all your plans and the flaws in your plans? I had to use the another personality to judge myself. I had to separate two different personalities.. One was myself. Another was a great Leader. Who was leading me in my vulnerabilities. She was my dictator, never forgave me until I conquer my fears. She never listens to my cries. No matter how much I beg mercy she says, do you wanna learn or not? Then do it. Don't resist. I was the worst enemy to myself.

Defining my own boundaries to myself. Taking a great deal of risks. I was the only person who was taking care of myself in the most weakest phase of life.

I am mother to myself,
I am father to myself,
I am borther to myself,
I am sister to myself,
I am a friend to myself,
I am a lover to myself,
I am a husband to myself,
I am a leader to myself.

Don't expect anything from others. I have learned all my status in a very hard way. They did not come to me just like that sitting under a tree. I was suffering both physically and mentally. A torture. A living hell which no one was ready to even accept the possibility of existence. But I did not give up on myself. I thought I am gonna learn, and be myself again. I will fight it at any cost, I will not live with it.

I have seen a good changes in my psych. I am happy. I am really happy, I am even helping others to tackle their issues for free. Pain teaches a lot . . . millions of life things. If you are happy you know nothing; you only got a lot of knowledge. But if you are in hell you learn everything to anything. You will survive anywhere and every where with flying colours. People will love you, respect you and accept you.

The same people who rejected me before now coming back to me. I don't I should be crying or laughing. Now when I am standing on my legs they are coming to me and talking as if they are my the best buddies. Oh really? The ones who throw-ed me out like I am a piece of garage. Namaste!

Namaste is a gesture in Telugu Society in India. It's a sarcastic salute to the other person saying humbly please see your way; simply means piss off!

MPD was my biggest fear in this experiment on myself. I did not wanted that. I am right now a case subject to medical students in Hyderabad. At first I was scared of isolation and abuse. But . . . I loved their respect on the confidentiality. They never disclosed any of my reports to . . . there were a lot of risks. I was worried. But . . .

When a doctor proposed me to present me to students. I

was like, what the heck. I wanted to run. He said, "Relax, you will be a study. That's it. Others will learn and help us understand you and specially your problems. It will help others, he promised any kind of consequences."

I like those students. They just accepted me. I liked it the way made me feel when I am in the class. First day was very awkward, but the second day onwards the way young and handsome doctors handled me. I just had a crush on them. They made me comfortable and said, that's fine we know everything. You are just a case . . . we wanna understand in depth. The reasons, the symptoms and etc. Don't panic.

"Where's your mother? Usually in such cases always a mother accompanies a female child."

"No one knows about this. I am fighting it alone."

"What?" "Brave girl. Good. Coffee?"

I loved the experiences with them. They are so different than normal students. They have perfect understanding of a human body. Jesus! They think only in Biology perspective not as a social perspective. I understood them, mingled with them had a galla time even then. They did not made me feel awkward or embarrassed later.

She chooses vengeance.

What if the present gives you love and happiness when you have a terrible past? Will you forget and move on with this rain of happiness? The pain in the past is beyond this life to forget is next to impossible. The present is the best ever happened to her.

The love who did not even opened his mouth. The past that teared her apart. With a vengeance she returns challenges her targets that she will

kill one person and make the other person to commit suicide. The past is so strongly implanted in her heart. It cannot be erased. The love . . . she cannot deny.

Vengeance or love?

Vengeance! She chooses vengeance. The past is not simple to just expunge it and then continue with the present. She betrays her love, she uses him. She makes him cry . . . ! It's his bad luck that he falls for her. He cannot leave her and he cannot ask her to change. He watches her silently to do what she is supposed to do.

"Who are you? What happened to you?"

. . .

A silent love story, two of them don't propose to each other. They don't say to each other that they love. But love is so apparent. She has no friends, he never had any female in his life. She is her first and last female. Fear of loosing her is to it's peak. When she says what she has planned to take the revenge. He cries out with the pain that she had to go through what hell that she becomes this cruel. She says silently good bye to him. And leaves on her way. He had to wait . . . what if she dies in this plan?

Trust me my love!

A whisper in his ears. Every day he holds his breath and waits for her return to him. What if she burns in this Vengeance? Love that makes a male cry loudly and take extreme actions for a person whom he just met. In how many years love happens? Love happens in just seconds. True love is at sight. True soulmates feel the aura of each other in an instances.

The heights of her courage. He's startle. How is she capable of doing all things to this degree? She is not no ordinary female. She is a Weapon! Ready to fulfill her thirst for her enemies blood.

Are you female? No she is a weapon to destruction.

Dating is in India!

Three days was in depression. So today my roomy took me to movie. We went to Cocktail movie. Good movie liked it. I liked Deepika's perspective. I want to be Deepika, you see I am not her here in India only for one reason, I wont get a husband. 

Simple logic,
Why will I sleep with a male for 3 months and spoil my whole life when I can stay virgin and enjoy sex with a male all my life?

The same applies to all females, that's why females don't trust males. Is she mad to spoil her whole life? No, she is not. So she hides behind her parents and brother. Why you think female hates to even talk to a male? You males make her disgusting as soon as she talks about sex. Stop making her bad even when she is in live in relation. Then she will want to be one. Now if you don't wanna marry a non virgin, why will any female want to be a non virgin?

Every one wants a virgin in India as wife, then why will a female wants to have sex before marriage? Why she will want and desire to have sex with a male? When you make her bad when she talks about sex, why even she will even dare to talk about it? She wont. She will rather stay calm then talk sex.

If you treat her good even when she talks dirty and filthy - it's called sex talk and don't give a bad publicity about her. Then why she will hesitate to please you males? She will not stop pleasing your males. She will not even think sex is sin. Right?

You understand my logic?

I want sex all my life and in India as per society a male wants a virgin, and even though I am educated and medical student I am bond to be silent and obey the culture. I got my family to think of . . . so I will never loose my virginity before marriage. I am ready for my Ram to ask me for Agni Pariksha. 

If society says, "A female is bad if she works no female will dare to even work." If society says, "A female is bad if she goes to other city." Then a female will never even leave her home. If society dictates talking to males means being slut, then no female will dare to even talk to males or in fact see a male. She will be scared to even make them as her friends. As soon as a male tries to talk to her, she will run and hide behind her family and brothers. And she will be so scared that she can shout and or slap that male just for talking.

If you want a female to be in live in relation, you should accept a new change in culture. So are you ready? Movies are being accepted, change is happening. Hope you guys do understand my logic? Don't talk bad about females you are only discouraging her (females) to accept new changes. Respect her, if you want change, then accept new, dynamic, dare devil, strong, brave, intelligent thinking females. Don't be hypocrites. Don't put her in cages. Don't insult her and humiliate her for being skeptical. Logic is so simple 

Social acceptance is needed so every one can follow it with no fear, without it every female will hide behind the walls. I think this change has started in our culture. Good.

You understand my logic?

If there are females who are left unmarried because of her bad repo, then no females will be interested in live in relationship.

If every male is willing to marry a non virgin only then live in relationships will become cultural acceptance and there by females will be interested to mate with a male even when not married.

You understand the logic?

If a male has sex with 100 females,
==> 100 females are non virgins.
And every male is polygamy,
==> every male * 100 females are non virgins.

Now where are virgins?

That means you are encouraging polygamy in females. That movie is not for males, it's for females. It says to females to have sex, not to males.

Males are polygamy from ages old, but that movie is change in culture. One Ram and One Sita is now taboo. And you liking it implies that you are encouraging females to have sex outside the marriages. That means you are okay with one female and many males.

That's the theory.

Dating is in India!

So . . . now tell me why you want to have sex with many females? 

So . . . now tell me why you want females to have sex with many males?

Love comes into picture here.

Love is important not sex.

You understand me?

I am virgin by my choice not by chance. I don't fear of not being married, I only want true love. Why should I have sex with many males? What's the need? Or why a male should have sex with many females? Sex is bullshit. Sex with love is the ultimate sex.

What's my problem?

Keep thinking what you think of me. I am not here to prove it correct or wrong. Good or bad, I just don't care.

I write because I like to write,
I talk because I like to talk.
I play because I like to play.

It's always my choice. Not any ones. You are in my life or out of my life is your choice. I am least concerned.

I love it when I see faces on others when I say I am extremely intelligent. A human with EGO and PRIDE will never digest it. I love your reactions, please keep entertaining me unhappy people.

It's my confidence.

Before talking just remember I know what you are thinking! I read people. I know you in and out. I can define entire life . . . And I am very good at it. I am at least a good person, I choose to be good by my choice. It's not a compulsion, it's my own decision derived from my mind.

. . . What's my problem?

O sky!
O my heart,
Please don't break so easily,
Just please don't hide the answers,

Please keep safe it,
It's my future and please make sure it's so safe!

My pride and ego is contained and controlled by my younger set of friends. They allow me to play with them and be part of their group. They teach me how simple life is and happiness lies in enjoying with others. Win or loose, the play is important. They keep me down to earth. I love it when they take me as their part of team and treat me like one. I am never offended by them. There are a lot of intelligent people in this world. I am not alone, but I don't find one with my own properties. I wanna see a Jayashree. Now I understand groups, categories, castes, religions, cultures are formed. It's the urge to be with people like us. We search for us in others.

Why I am facing problem in expressing myself in words? Where I am failing? Why I am scared of them? What scares me so much? I am ready to do my work then why my heart is scared of answering to others? What I am fearing? What I need? What I want? What I am scared of? 

My God,

Help me,
guide me.
All through my journey.

I am intelligent, you are not intelligent, or
You are intelligent, I am not intelligent,
So what? In the end we are friends!
They teach me . . .

~my schooling friends shout:
"Come on play Jayasri! Kick ball to Chintu . . ."

And I come out of my thoughts. I just play, it's nothing to do with win or loose. We win and we loose, it's how much we enjoyed matters. I love playing school group. They don't have a pinch of sins in them. They are so pure and true. Their hearts are innocent and good. They are just they are . . .

unaware of importance of money,
unaware of importance of status,
unaware of importance of clothes,
unaware of importance of repo,

They are so innocent, those little angels keep me innocent. They give me courage to fight and help me fight evil in me. I am this pure and good because of my little friends. I play with them. I love the football mostly, "di . . . kick like this" and they give me ball.

Why I am scared of talking or explaining myself to others?


What is my problem?

Come to me, your Queen

Only in two cases you have security. You did wrong and scared of getting exposed. Or you are worth that security. I am sure you are not the latter.

                           

Why are you playing hide and seek game? Face me directly. Don't do not play and run away from me.

Fear!

It's fear that is not letting you near me. What is that fear? Fight it hard. Heroes always fight hard, and never surrender to that fear. Don't let that fear take you over and dictate you. What you are thinking isn't true. Don't let your assumptions become your master of your life. Don't let your thoughts halt you from reaching me.

Come!
Come to me!
Come for me!

It's the your enemies. They can control your head, if I am not wrong you don't believe my story. It makes them easy to manipulate your thoughts. We can control others minds, it's possible if you don't have faith. Faith not only plays vital role in your life but also stops others to control your mind. Faith fights fate. We never have proofs, you don't have a proof of any ones love, we have to just blindly believe in it. Only if you believe any thing can happen. Unless you don't believe nothing can happen.

You loved me the moment you saw me.
the sparks in your eyes,
Man - deep is our sweet baby dove,
you are my true love.
I am fighting so hard - come to me;
come for your love.

Don't let your curse win.
Don't throw me away.
Don't let me go,
Don't let your vulnerability control you.

Hold me tight in your heart,
I am your baby,
a seed metamorphosed from your eyes.
fight for your own piece of heart,

I am in your heart, you disagree
it's true and so obvious,
hold on tight to me, don't pull me out of your heart
breath me into your lungs, let your blood accept me
- flow all your body reaching your every vein.

Digest me into your blood veins,
make me part of your body,
your piece of tissue - if cut it
it should kill you.

don't give up on me, your wife.
You have accepted me as your female,
nurture it as a mother,
allow me to be your Goddess.
Make me your Queen of life and soul.

Give me my respect,
the privilege of ruling you all your journey of this life,
Kneel and bow before me accept me as your own,
honor me more than your ego,
acknowledge me as your treasure lost years back and found

My lord,

Kneel and bow before me!
Make me yours,
It's time I deserve the rightful place in your life.
Let me control you.
Have faith in me.