I totally lust you.

When I am with you 
my heart beats a little faster, 
my smile gets a little wider, 
my laugh gets a little louder, 
my hands get a little sweatier, 
my legs get a little shakier, 
my voice gets a little higher,
and my life gets a little happier 
every moment I am with you .. !!! ♥

You know God's are pretty strict about rules? I cannot lie to you. I have to be truthful to you.

I can't lie, and believe me I never lied to you. Yep everything I wrote to you is true. The deal, the depression, the importance of you.

Humans are very predictable, they never believe truth. You know I was so sure if I say you truth you would never believe me. I was so sure when starting the deal, this Indian male cannot love me. No way. I know why you hate me. The curse in my world, and you are such a pathetic male.

I thought you will never love me. Hmm! You love me, you still love me. You know I kept myself virgin because I was scared if I have it with any male I would loose my powers and gifts.

They pointed to you, and I was like finally I get to have sex without loosing my virginity. But I read you . . . saw you, you are a bad person. Very bad person. I said, "Jesus I can't have sex with him. He is very bad guy, he is a slut."

Again when God's said, "You love me." I was like wow! I finally get to have sex. When I met you and read your mind, you are still a jerk, I don't know why they said you love me. I was like dear God, why I have to go through this hell.

You are so predictable, if I ask you to let me in your life, you wont. If I ask meet me you wont, if I ask marry me, you wont. But you do have a very big impulse to have sex with me. You totally lust me. You want to have sex with me. I too want to have sex with you. I am in love with you and God's totally say my love is true, and you love me too.

I love you,
You love me,
What's stopping us?
From uniting?

Come to me my love,
Your love is calling you,

Reach your destiny,
Don't reject your fate.
You will not be happy without me.
I am your love,
Love of your life,

Believe me,
Trust me.
I am so waiting for you,
All these years of separation,
Can't stand even a single day without you.

Don't resist me,
Don't ignore me,
Don't stop me,
Don't halt me.

Let me pray,
Let me love,
Let me worship,
Let me in.

Come to me,
My love.
I totally wanna have mate with you.


But you wouldn't let your love come out. My love come on I can't stand this separation. Confess your love my lord. You love me, I felt it. I feel it so strong inside of you, it's growing. Don't hesitate, don't stop it, don't ignore it. Come to me,  I call you to me.

You are good person My love, very good person. But it never drives you. Only your badness drives your life.

Love me back, confess your love.

I dream of you kissing me but I cannot kiss you.

My love,

If there is one thing 
better than the kiss itself... 
it is the moment right before it, 
when the look in the eyes 
leaves you both feeling breathless.

A kiss upon the hand of
someone you truly love
is more beautiful,
and more valuable
than any diamond
or gem could ever be!

To be honest, I was thinking since an hour how it will be to kiss you. My mind does not permit to touch your lips, no matter how hard I try to . . . my rules. I created some rules for myself. My own rules, they are very hard to break. As they are deeply rooted into my blood veins. My heart agrees with my mind. It says don't touch him. It's so strange you don't like me writing you emails or sms, but I still do and when I wanna feel it or imagine it when we are copulating my mind stops me.

I come near you, it's a long balcony. Sun rays are falling on the floor, with the openness, you standing outside the door. Looking at me when I am leaving. Looking at my back as I am walking. As if you got shocked you jerk and then run fast towards me and catch my finger tips latter grabbing my palm. The sensitivity with which you touch me is incredible feeling I ever got. I shift towards you, looking up right in your face and questioning you what with my face expression. With no anticipation of what's gonna happen next, I look in your eyes seeking an answer from you. You take me towards you, tightening your grip on my shoulders, force me lightly towards chest. I think you are saying something to me in my ears . . . a secret. I lean towards you, totally turning your side. 

The grip on my shoulders tightens further more, I look at your hands on my shoulders, and a straight look at your face. Yes, I understood you want to kiss me. I see you right in your face and a calmness in my mind. I know what is about to happen. It's a broad day light, sun rays directly falling on our feet, and the birds songs at the back ground. The dead silence in the whole first floor as if every one abandoned the building just for us. The low force wind that just blew on my cheeks, making my hair to fall on my lips. No second of hesitation, you lean forward towards me, I about to close my eyes, felt your breath on my chin . . . 

I open my eyes . . . and I am all alone in my room. A shot of pain touching my heart. leaves me so lonely in my bed. I wish it could become true. The touch of your lip on my lip, the taste of it does not leave me. I had it for a second in a flash, that only keeps coming all the time. I try to avoid it, I don't allow it to come in my mind. It's not so me to do things that others don't permit. I am so helpless when it comes to you. I am doing things I never thought I could. I am so much in love with you. I don't believe I could even survive without you. I am living on just a hope that my love has power to get to me. 

I am so stupid, I know but love has such a power to make a wise a fool. I am so drenched in love with you. I cannot eat or do anything. I have these urges, they don't seem to stop. I am not able to control my mind, I wanted those flashes to end. The pain of not really touching is killing me day by day the intensity of this pain is growing deep inside my heart. I wanna touch your lips, with mine. I wanna hug you tight and I wanna force you to . . . I wanna force you.

I am loosing grip on myself My love. So helpless. Nothing matters to me My love, I am becoming again calm and silent. Taking this pain silently. The dream I dreamt where your tenderness touches me is so painful to me to handle. Tears just pour out . . . I don't know I got no hope, I wish for death. And look at my angel who sits right in front of me. I ask  her why you shown him to me? For this pain? She laughs and disappears. I am going mad. That hits me, my mind. Your hug . . . your gentle hug and I cry in pain. This is torture. That I want to end. My love stop it. Please stop entering into my mind and soul. I am enduring all this . . . I don't deserve this pain. It's too much to take. My little body cannot handle this pain. 

I keep remembering the moment before you lean to kiss me, it's so peaceful and nice. I want that moment My love. I want it too badly. Why I have to love you? Why you? Why me? Why this pain? I don't deserve this, not this. I would do anything to get the life with you. That life with you. The love of you . . .

Work is fun!

Today there was the delivery of sprint 1, and we were compelled to come to office even on weekends, two days at office. Working so hard. Yesterday code got compiled, and we are happy.

Dated: 06th November, 2011.

Day: Sunday

Project: SWA

 

Today we were working on the remaining functionality. And one of the team member was facing real problem in understanding the domain, and there we tried to explain him how the logic is running. Since morning me and other guy were reciting the words: download, upload, verfiyThrus. And after dinner, we came back and again the story repeats. Explaining him the domain. He is facing real problem in understanding the code.

This guy, Nitin got so fed up. He almost took the chair and tried to hit them. I was so startled. Ha ha! I could not control the laugh. And you have to see other peoples face. Total mess, but lot of fun. What ever this is one of the ultimate experiences I ever had in my career. I never had this much of fun when coding and specially deadline is terrifically so close.

We all finished the job some how and delivered the code. And these guys are so great, they drop me at my home like my brother used to do in the college days. I feel my golden old days came back to me. Since 10 days I am coming to my home at 11 / 12 pm. It's so much fun to work late in the nights. We apparently all are enjoying the work.

Two days back I was like pushing them too hard to finish the job, I was shouting in the meeting in front of the GPM that "we will be doing the job, and we are that capable of finishing it in two days." PM or GPM were not trusting me, that's the fun part. I am the only person who was shouting in the meeting. No one were ready to talk even a single word. They were staring with red hot eyes, perhaps thinking to kill me in their minds.

"Sali thu marvayigi."

I compelled them to work. I can make any one work, motivating others is new character I developed. But pushing them was the risk I had to take. I expected hatred, but they did not hate me. Today we did as I declared. PM was so happy to the see the code. Besides my team is no more angry on me but say I am the soul of the team.

"Olivia please don't stop talking, you are the spirit of our team."

I loved every second with this team; no ego, no grudges, no jealousy, no arrogance, no partiality. They all are so cool. Hope it stays so. This is real fun, this is called living. I am loving it. I am actually living life now . . .

"Work is fun!"

Live and learn!

A small change in your properties, could effect the entire result. I worked on a very small problem of mine, and it was a myth. The friends of mine were not ready to admit that even it's a problem. Looked at me as if I am moron. My IQ was more than any one in my list of friends. They wanted me to ignore it, as if it is a piece of shit, how could I . . . when I live it daily? They were not ready to comprehend the possibility of it being actually exist. But I did neither ignored it nor let it take my life.

It occupied my mind, took my energy and used to eat my thoughts alive. It was like being tormented by your enemy for some valuable information. And imagine you had to go through it every second, no escape from it. Fighting it and again concentrating on the daily mundane activities . . .


Multiple threads . . . and nothing in your mind and soul to overcome it. No strong memory to out weigh it. Now how was I supposed to come out of that suffering? Sometimes, it was so easy to think to quit and run away and be a normal girl. But . . . I had to fight. I am not a girl who quits so quickly. I would take anything just to stop it. I thought alright bring it on, it's you or me; get out of my head.

To be honest I was very scared that this would be with me all my life. I was scared to stand in front of it. But . . . I did not give my hope even in my hopelessness. Don't ever give up my friends. No one understands you or empathizes you . . . fine, you can fight it alone. Believe me, have faith in you. You are more stronger than you think. You know it exist as you live it daily. So take necessary steps to make them disappear from your life / mind / any . . . choice is yours. Once you resolve the main, then you can move forward towards your goals with double the confidence.


Life offered me the worst pain, anything other than that . . . seem to be so least. So stood with no hope of wining the battle against your own mind. Searched if I could get one soul who could comprehend me. But all in vain. None, I had to put myself all that shit. I dared to do stuff. And what? Now the problem is gone. A core property of mine, disappeared. And now it does not bother me. It is like it never existed.


Work on your problem no matters others comprehend it or not. You know how powerful it is, so you decide how to solve it. Take the risk, collect insults if you have to. But don't hesitate for a second to correct your basic character(s) and thoughts.


Don't ever neglect your happiness. It is what matters at the end of the day. Remaining all others - fuck them all. They don't matter, not any more. Go for your happiness. Work for it, or else you would be forced to live without it. And living without happiness is not possible . . . I know. So find your happiness. Once you do this happiness is so hard to find, therefore hang on tight to it. Or you will loose it . . . 



Live and learn!

You WILL know

I cannot tell you here and now who your soul mate might be but what I can do is show you what characteristics they will have so that you will be able to recognize them and look for them yourself.

Your soul mate is a person with whom from the outset, you have a special connection. He or she is someone to whom you are profoundly drawn. On first meeting your soul mate you will find that you instantly click, that there is a rapport. You feel that no one else in the room matters. They are someone with whom you have chemistry and you spark off one another, you are so intrigued by them that you find yourself listening more than you want to talk.

Your soul mate will be someone with whom you immediately feel comfortable. When you first meet, your heart may skip a beat at the mere mention of their name, your stomach may churn when you bump into them but they should also, in time, be someone with whom you feel at one. With this person you should feel safe and secure. They are not a person who would undermine you. They are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small and they will love, respect and care for you.

Your soul mate is not someone who would ever want you to change. They think the world of you as you are. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and your relationship with them should be honest. You should not be afraid of telling them anything because they love you as you are! They will never judge you and whatever you do their opinion of you will not change.

You are always "yourself" when you are together. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries, be twenty years apart, none of that has any bearing on whether you are perfectly matched. You see more in each other than the naked eye could ever see. You see into each others souls which is why you have this deep, strong link.

There is an unspoken language between you and the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you. You will often think the same things at the same times. You are able to finish each others sentences on occasions.

When you meet this special person you WILL know. It will be instinctive and it will be different from any feeling that you have ever had for anyone in the past.

What happens now?

No, I am not afraid of you!

Wow!

I suspect I know what has happened here. You should have been safe inside of your mind. You have never felt safe. You are your own worst enemy Olivia.

You took the opportunity to let your fears to overwhelm you. But you just fought back, in the end you are as strong as you I believed in you Olivia.

Now you have to go back. It's amazing what a couple of hours could do to a guy.

Now . . .

I feel as if woke up from really a strange and dangerous dream! For some reason I am not afraid of moving forward any more.

Incite love!

I have these desires, oh! God, they kill me. But I cannot implement them. And I really want them but I can't get them. I am like why the fuck I am so intelligent? Why I got these animal instincts that torment me?

You cannot even imagine why I want a strong man as my husband, you don't fit in my stereotype of male. Nothing of you seems to fit in my desires, nothing but . . . the emotions I have on you. It's the irony. Why I have what I have on you?

I am sure you cannot give me what I want then why I love you so much? Why this love . . . abyss of love on a man who does not even care about me? Not a clue. I wish I could just to go my native place ASAP. Hmm! How tormenting it is for me here. I have this control on myself. But . . . mind . . . who has the guts to control it. It reaches to its peak. You don't know how hard for me to resist to grab you and kiss you so hard that you would never depart. But . . . you don't love me. You are not a white.

Before it was so nice, I know what I wanted. I just want a white guy. Now; You in between, it's so complicated. You just can't give me what I desire. Why the hell I have to fall for you? Hell.

I don't compromise, in my life, if I want Benz I want that only, not any stupid cars in between. I got that level of self control and patience. I would walk rather get into another car of not my kind.

Bloody can you imagine without any taste of heaven for 24years? Can you at least imagine? Not even the dew drops and fueling is the love on you? The only parameter stops me is my love! I want a man who could love me with his heart and soul. But finding the only one seems . . . the impossible.

Once I could find, God! I would be no more be this thirsty again! I need not control, no more, sky is the limit. My rules, bloody my genetic make up. Bytes, can't take it any more but have to, can't use it but got immense knowledge in that, can't wait for it but I have no other choice, and can't even do it with any other man just like that.

My mate!

The burning desires . . . ! Whispering in my ears and letting me to hallucinate into the world of intimate closure. Not able to come out of the web of adumbrate fantasies.

Hell of hell. Do you at least comprehend my pain? The innate pain caused by your incite love?