Deeply rooted.

I have this fear . . . silly but it is there so deeply rooted and daily influences the way I think of you.

I think you look at me and see a perfect girl. You made a picture of me in your mind so strong and impeccable, and one day you would finally get a very good look at me and find out I am flawed - think that I am not as strong and as good I am, you opined or pictured about me; and I would disappoint you.

I fear, that point of time, you would expunge the feelings you have on me. I think they have the ability to drift the way you feel about me.

Near or far, I love you life.

Sometimes I think you are so near, sometimes I think you are so far. Why are you so cruel? Why are you so indifferent? Why are you so merciless? I am dying every second here, without you and without your memory. I even try to construct how it is with you . . . around me in my life? I look back every time I walk in streets with a blind belief you would follow me. But every time I do that I get a stroke, a pinch of acute pain in the heart and a dry tear in eyes. I feel I am the unluckiest girl in this world. Who is so desperate to meet you and talk to you.

What have I done to you? All I have done is to love you from my soul . . . and you give me this deep shit. But what can I say? Just to silently endure it, drink it as if it's a elixir.

It saddens when I see a couple every time having fun! This kills me, and every time it does I shout with vehement cry. The happiness around you . . . I miss it. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss playing with you. I miss teasing you. I miss taking you in the arms. I miss you consoling you. I miss you all of it, every part of it. And everything about it.

I don't care I being with you is a lie, but all I have is this lie. This lie of the memories is what keeps me alive. But I cannot embrace it . . . It so unreal. Reality scares me fantasy gives me breath. Now you tell me how can I be so happy in the real world? Your pain is too much to take. It's beyond the containment. I will not be handle it any further, a saturation point is nearing me. I am crying for you . . . dying for you . . . what why do you care? What for you? It's so hard to see you in silence and not able to talk to you!

I am not able to cut you off from my life. You don't care how I suffer the pain of you . . . you are so happy there. Without even a hiccup of my hell!

An 87 Year Old College Student Named Rose!

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know.

I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?” I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze. “Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked. She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…” “No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. “I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine” as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.”

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.

Have no regrets. The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.” She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.” She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s never too late to be all you can possibly be .When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they’ll really enjoy it!"

OC TECH LTD Groups!

Today we commemorate the birth anniversary of the legendary theoretical physicist, Richard 'Dick' Feynman.-

Richard P. Feynman was born in New York City on the 11th May 1918. He studied at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where he obtained his B.Sc. in 1939 and at Princeton University where he obtained his Ph.D. in 1942. He was Research Assistant at Princeton (1940-1941), Professor of Theoretical Physics at Cornell University (1945-1950), Visiting Professor and thereafter appointed Professor of Theoretical Physics at the California Institute of Technology (1950-1959)

He is known for his work in the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics, the theory of quantum electrodynamics, and the physics of the superfluidity of supercooled liquid helium, as well as in particle physics (he proposed the parton model). For his contributions to the development of quantum electrodynamics, Feynman, jointly with Julian Schwinger and Sin-Itiro Tomonaga, received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1965. He developed a widely used pictorial representation scheme for the mathematical expressions governing the behavior of subatomic particles, which later became known as Feynman diagrams. During his lifetime, Feynman became one of the best-known scientists in the world. In a 1999 poll of 130 leading physicists worldwide by the British journal Physics World he was ranked as one of the ten greatest physicists of all time

He assisted in the development of the atomic bomb and was a member of the Rogers Commission, the panel that investigated the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster. In addition to his work in theoretical physics, Feynman has been credited with pioneering the field of quantum computing and introducing the concept of nanotechnology.

Feynman was a keen popularizer of physics through both books and lectures, notably a 1959 talk on top-down nanotechnology called, There's Plenty of Room at the Bottom, and the three volume publication of his undergraduate lectures, The Feynman Lectures on Physics. Feynman also became known through his semi-autobiographical books, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! and What Do You Care What Other People Think?, and books written about him, such as Tuva or Bust!.

Flowers, music, strip clubs, bongos, Tuva, lock picking, hieroglyphics, painting, poetry, electrons and photons ...Richard Feynman's scientific curiosity knew no bounds and is an inspiration to many students of physics.

Here, you can know more about the genius extraordinaire,

(1974). "Cargo Cult Science" (PDF). Engineering and Science 37
http://calteches.library.caltech.edu/51/2/CargoCult.pdf


Richard Feynman Video - The Douglas Robb Memorial Lectures 
http://vega.org.uk/video/subseries/8

Richard Feynman Messenger Lectures: The Character of Physical Law 
http://www.cosmolearning.com/courses/richard-feynman-messenger-lectures-the-character-of-physical-law-472/

Nobel Lecture
http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/physics/laureates/1965/feynman-lecture.html


Richard Feynman on Teaching
http://www.pitt.edu/~druzdzel/feynman.html

Horizon: Richard Feynman - No Ordinary Genius (full version) 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fzg1CU8t9nw

Richard Phillips Feynman - The Last Journey Of A Genius 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn4_40hAAr0

TEDxCaltech - Leonard Susskind on My friend Richard Feynman 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpjwotips7E

Feynman Diagrams - Sixty Symbols 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bbJeMBHq0g

The Science and Mathematics team wishes that Feynman's legacy lives on and continues to inspire countless students to pursue their passion in science.

Finally got over my complex.

I had this complex about beauty, I thought always that I am not beautiful. It was from my childhood. I don't exactly remember when I developed this complex but it did grow in me and stayed in me for a long time. I struggled a lot to remove it but I couldn't. Beauty was something so important to me. I wanted to be very beautiful. May be my dream of my prince coming and getting me caused this low self esteem. May be Cinderella story got into my head and touched my nerves making me feel bad about my appearance. 

Born in a country where females are suppressed and condemned. May be that society and culture gave birth to those thoughts in me. I loved west from my childhood, the culture which gives a abyss of freedom to their females. The culture that treats females equal to the male counter parts. And no rules and restrictions on them, they are as free as the males. It attracted me. The restricts, the feeling of being protected and the rules and the stupid and ridiculous cultural bias towards females was the reason for the seed of that low self esteem in me.

All those years I was thinking I am no worth, and I am just a ugly looking female. In the month of August of 2011, I thought finally to fight this feeling. Then came up with a weird plan. That plan changed my life and my perspective towards life. It made me even more good and nice. A tolerant and down to earth female. I am better. A plan that was successful in creating a health me.

I don't have any more of it now. Its a complex that got it's wind in North. But the same people taken my complex. I have seen many females in North who are extremely beautiful and still don't know how beautiful they are and actually how important that beauty in reality.

I will be honest I used to stare North females with mouth wide open. There goes no day without complimenting those North females. I used to feel and think I am in a movie. All are barbie dolls, and I am a odd one out. I wanted to be like them very beautiful like dolls. And I have seen females who cry when I compliment them, the best part is they say, "Jayashree you are the first person who complimented us in our lives. Thank you, it means a lot." And strangely sometimes I am the first female who complimented them. Their husbands wouldn't find them sexually pleasing. I am like what the ass hole are you? You got such a beautiful wife and you are not even grateful for that?

Boy friends worst, they say, "We will never compliment our females they grow proudish." What the heck? "Make your female how special she is well that's how she will know you love her." No one understood my words back then. Well, that's not important. My point is that beauty was so much in abundance. And it's still so common. It lost it's worth in Delhi and NCR regions. Beauty is so common that no one cares about it. It's no more something special and very rare and valuable it's so common and sometimes people don't even consider about that property. Not any more. 

One incident that changed my perspective is when I was in HCL, in the month of February 2012, I was working late night, it's 8:00pm and a female was sitting near cafe. She was waiting for her husband, a newly wed female. I could see her Mehendi in her hands and the red bangles in her hands. The fresh looks that she is newly married female, and the happiness of that newly married environment and life - I could see it in her eyes. She is simply waiting for her husband to pick her up. 

I was touched by her, the way she sat and the new shame and new feelings I could see it in her face and body language. So went near her said, "Hey, you look newly married, I can guess it via your appearances. Trust me you are damn beautiful. Your husband is damn lucky. I am telling you form my heart. You are very beautiful take it as a compliment and trust me."

She cried instantly, "Thank you it means a lot to me. Thank you, it really made my day. I believe you. I really needed it. You don't know what it means to me."

What? You are white and beautiful as snow white and you need this compliment? I felt sadness in her, no one to appreciate her beauty. Come on she is beautiful. What's wrong with you North people can't even appreciate the beauty of a female you made her feel herself so bad all her life. She lost her confidence in her and she developed a complex of not worth. You think like me, but I am black colour why you? I have right to think like that my skin is darker than yours. I am brown. In India whites are loved more than blacks or browns. Indian like white skinned females. In India racism still exists. God knows when people here grow intelligent to accomplish a brown skin female also as beautiful. But she was white. She was white skinned female. You too feel so bad about yourself. I thought to myself.

"You are welcome."

I just hugged her and left to my desk. It changed my thinking my perspective. I understand now what that means in actual.

I have seen many females not one. Their husbands don't compliment them too, God knows why. They don't even know the value of a wife. They are idiots.

Males be more kinder in your words. Compliment your female from your heart, it goes to even husbands. So misery in terms of words. Why? It doesn't cost a paisa for your kind words. Come on.

North females used to feel jealous of me. Me . . . ! That jealous took away my complex. I am not worried or concerned about my beauty now. I don't have any low self esteem with respect to my appearance. Not any more. I am confident and very sure that I am one of the most beautiful female. No offense to any other females or males.

I hate Mumbai!

I hate Mumbai,
I hate Mumbai,
I hate Mumbai Jayashree - Dwani. 

So sweet girl. She hates Mumbai. She really hates Mumbai. I love Delhi. I can feel her words in her sentence. I could feel that disgusting feeling on Mumbai in her eyes and body language. The stress she was giving. I know she is not a liar. Innocent, lovely and caring and good girl. She is from Mumbai but studied in Chandigarh Ryan International some name in Chandighar. Forgot, did not concentrate on it much. She was there for 4 years and she made bound with Punjabi friends. She loves them a lot.

"I love Delhi."

"Punjabi people are very horrible people, they got a lot and lot of temper and two horns. They don't talk to us, they say, "Let the other person come and talk to us. Do you know that? Very very very proud." They never talked to me when I went to that school there. One year, no one even said hi to me.

But after one year. They became my the best friends. Now they die and cry for me. My parents cheated me. They tricked me to stay here in Mumbai, else I would have been with my friends there in Chandigarh. They love me and they even cry for me. In them one Punjabi male, Aditya Sood, I love him a lot. 2 years, I still love him. I scolded him very recently couldn't control the anger. And he stopped talking to me. I have wounded myself for him, attempted to die for him. Three times, look at my scars. She showed her hand. She loves this Aditya, I thought.

 

You tell your story . . . and did not give me chance to speak and she started to speak . . . LOL!

Every friend of me and him and even his own sister tried talking to him and asking him to accept me and my love but sala . . .

"Dwani, I would love a dirty and ugly girl who has no money and she is horrible looking but I wont accept you. And that's once and final. You are my good friend you will be the friend whom I like thousand times. And that's it. I will never accept you and your love." ~ Aditya

"I would slap him moron Abitya. You are so sweet and lovely girl. :)" ~ Me.

"Thank you. So sweet." "I am intelligent you see Jayashree Pandu. I like to talk in English. I am good at English and I write novels." Dwani.

"I know you are intelligent." ~ Me. I smiled and I was honest.

Looked surprised and said, "Thank you."

Her parents are two business magnets. Brother but not understanding. She is so lonely, but thank God she has friends. All she has is friends.

"My astrologer says, I will get into love marriage." I stare at him with anguish. But that fellow keeps on saying that . . . my mom doesn't trust it but I am like, me do not even have a boy friend. Aditaya hates me. I got this dream to marry the only one whom I love Jayashree. I just wanna love a guy and only marry that guy. Seriously I have that desire. I don't know why Jayashree. I saw sadness in her eyes. I wrote a novel on Aditya and me, I have created a vedio of me and Aditya. And wrote a novel of our love story. By mistake it went to Aditya's hand. He called me and said, "You write so good Dwani." I was so shocked and was so happy. 

 

"Get the book, I will read it when you meet next time." ~ Me

 

"I don't have it, it went to Aditya's home via the album by mistake." Dwani

My mom don't trust that stupid astrologer who says that I will get into love marriage. My brother is very bad. He is dead serious with me. Doesn't tolerate me or even my friends. I don't talk to his friends to. Who will talk, stupid brother. :( She was sad I felt it in her eyes, she did not say it. But I can feel it.

"I am with my friend Jayashree. What's your number?" "We will meet again."

My question was, "Will we Dwani? So nice name." That popped in my head when I was biding her goodbye. Loved this date with Dwani. Felt so happy to meet her. An intelligent female. :)

My story!

My story starts the day when one of my male friend said few words about females. Those words changed me and my perception on life. The determination to achieve something in life made me what I am today.

The adamant nature is my biggest plus point.
I never gave up, I bend and do not break.

That day we were walking on the street, going to class together. He is very good at Java, he has a perfect programming skills or say Java skills. He is male and he has ego. I was very innocent back them. My world was to have fun and pass the time with friends. I only know one thing have fun and enjoy every moment as it comes . . . I did not had any goals and any kind of aims. I wanted to get married and be a normal house wife. A stupid girl!

A moron back then but I always had a good heart. I am good by my nature. Being good is my choice but from the starting I was good and kind to others. It's my Genetics. I thank God for that. I never understood:

Jealous,
Envy,
Hatred, and
Anger.

Back then my only intention was to smile every second. And bam that day is a successful day. I am a quick learner and English skills made me the topper in my college even with one day batting in colleges and schools, sometimes its only a hour - batting.

As usual I did not concentrate on what my sir was saying. He all of a sudden took a topic, "Jayashree you females are so moron. You keep on writing on notes. God knows what you females write. And you look at only our male lecturer. You fall in love with them and that's it. You write him letters, and come to classes only for him. And you females don't even understand what's Java means. So pathetic creatures. You females are only fit for one thing. To be in kitchen. And serve all the males. I don't even understand why parents spend all money in the education of a female."

I looked at him. I said only these words, "Females can work."

He smiled and said, "No you females can't. Fit for nothing."

Our class came and we sat in our respective seats. That incident had created a very huge impact on my mind. I did not get angry at him. I gave a thought. I wanted him to be wrong. It was just a seed that was sowed in my mind by a male whose ego talked that day. I ignored that incident. But . . . seed was sowed. And my psychology was watering that seed.

I was calm, and not proud of my achievement. I got a job. I never took pride in my job. That's not my identity. That's my livelihood. I thank God for giving me this wonderful life. I am not that stupid. I still did not had any goals in my life. I am still a girl who is normal. I wanted to get married and have kids. Getting salary and struggling to keep that job. I am intelligent and I never knew it.

"So you got the job? Good and you are growing in your career. Good, I thought you cannot stay in job for more than a month. You were such a stupid girl with no wisdom, knowledge and goals. Simple and innocent female and you still in job." The same friend who said females are not fit for anything.

"Yes I am in job. So now I want to be team leader. I want to work more hard."

"You just recently joined in a job and you dream of team leader? What are you made up of?"

"I don't care, I love challenges. Next I want to be team leader."

"You Jayashree, you aim big. Your desires don't stop you are very ambitious. Just a month back you wanted job now you aim for team leader? You are very Greedy in your aims."

"What ever." I cried. Tears came out. I felt that I am bad. But I did not stop. I never stopped in my dreams.

The wind to my fire!

The same guy who planted a seed, watered it too and nurturing it without his knowledge.

I stood up and said to myself, "I am a good person. I am not greedy and I am not ambitious. I want to achieve something in my life."

I am too innocent back then. Did not understand this desperation to achieve something. I had that determination and persistence in me. No matter what others opine of me I am not going to give up on myself. The mind of me is incredible. It never listened to any other person in my life. It had the courage to do what it wants to do. It screwed all other peoples advices and discouragement and bad feelings they were emitting.

I cried and cried, not able to understand my zeal to do something in life. I had to accept what I am . . . for that I have to understand what I am . . . who will tell me? Who will help me?

None did that,
No one came for my rescue.

Very small pain, but intensity was huge. I was alone all my life. I never had luxury of parent's guidance and was very bad people skills. No friends who would meet my high energy. All are normal minded people with normal IQ. I started talking to God. It was from my childhood. God became my friend, the best friend. He always helps me in time of need.

Professors and great people used to talk to me. They tried to help me. They guided me and said, "If you don't understand us now. Wait, don't give up." They felt my potential. I was still unaware of my IQ. "I am just a female in India." But nonetheless, my mind started doing it's magic without my consciousness aware.

"I wanna settle in USA. I hate Indians."

"What now you wanna settle in India and marry a white guy? You are freak. Your goals and dreams never end. You are a female who will never stop your hunger in money and properties and you are very bad female. You like western culture? Disgusting."

Again cried. But this time he showed me something I never knew.

My ability to aim for highest targets. Now I understood one of property of me. I aim impossibles.

Coming to Delhi was impossible,
Doing job was impossible,
Getting salary was impossible,
Not getting myself was impossible,
Being normal team member was impossible,
Having normal communication skills was impossible,
Staying with hypocrites and demeaning people was impossible,

Everything was impossible back then. But I was living that impossible. The disgusting words and the bad feeling he gave me for who I am . . .

Made me realize my potential.

An Indian male made me what I am today. A moron made me realize how powerful my mind can be and what I can achieve in my life. "Can I?" I asked myself. "What's wrong in trying Jayashree?"

"You are nuts Jayashree." I was talking to myself.

"So . . . you in or out?"

"I am in."

"Show me your power, I wanna see what I am capable of doing or achieving."

"How badly you want to be not ordinary?"

"I am willing to take any kind of risk in my life. I am willing to sacrifice my future just to see what I am capable of . . . "

Wicked smile. Jayashree show me what are you.


I did not even understand that male friend of mine is very bad. I was that good by heart. I used to say, "Why are you saying such a mean things to me?" I love myself. I am proud of myself. Even now I did not give up on my goodness. Most of think my goodness and kindness is my weakness. I don't think so. It's God's gift to me. I will never let anyones badness take my goodness and faith in humanity.

I am doing all this to prove to myself.

Mind is very powerful thing.
There is no more powerful weapon than our mind.
Educate and feed it with all things positive.