I dream of you kissing me but I cannot kiss you.

My love,

If there is one thing 
better than the kiss itself... 
it is the moment right before it, 
when the look in the eyes 
leaves you both feeling breathless.

A kiss upon the hand of
someone you truly love
is more beautiful,
and more valuable
than any diamond
or gem could ever be!

To be honest, I was thinking since an hour how it will be to kiss you. My mind does not permit to touch your lips, no matter how hard I try to . . . my rules. I created some rules for myself. My own rules, they are very hard to break. As they are deeply rooted into my blood veins. My heart agrees with my mind. It says don't touch him. It's so strange you don't like me writing you emails or sms, but I still do and when I wanna feel it or imagine it when we are copulating my mind stops me.

I come near you, it's a long balcony. Sun rays are falling on the floor, with the openness, you standing outside the door. Looking at me when I am leaving. Looking at my back as I am walking. As if you got shocked you jerk and then run fast towards me and catch my finger tips latter grabbing my palm. The sensitivity with which you touch me is incredible feeling I ever got. I shift towards you, looking up right in your face and questioning you what with my face expression. With no anticipation of what's gonna happen next, I look in your eyes seeking an answer from you. You take me towards you, tightening your grip on my shoulders, force me lightly towards chest. I think you are saying something to me in my ears . . . a secret. I lean towards you, totally turning your side. 

The grip on my shoulders tightens further more, I look at your hands on my shoulders, and a straight look at your face. Yes, I understood you want to kiss me. I see you right in your face and a calmness in my mind. I know what is about to happen. It's a broad day light, sun rays directly falling on our feet, and the birds songs at the back ground. The dead silence in the whole first floor as if every one abandoned the building just for us. The low force wind that just blew on my cheeks, making my hair to fall on my lips. No second of hesitation, you lean forward towards me, I about to close my eyes, felt your breath on my chin . . . 

I open my eyes . . . and I am all alone in my room. A shot of pain touching my heart. leaves me so lonely in my bed. I wish it could become true. The touch of your lip on my lip, the taste of it does not leave me. I had it for a second in a flash, that only keeps coming all the time. I try to avoid it, I don't allow it to come in my mind. It's not so me to do things that others don't permit. I am so helpless when it comes to you. I am doing things I never thought I could. I am so much in love with you. I don't believe I could even survive without you. I am living on just a hope that my love has power to get to me. 

I am so stupid, I know but love has such a power to make a wise a fool. I am so drenched in love with you. I cannot eat or do anything. I have these urges, they don't seem to stop. I am not able to control my mind, I wanted those flashes to end. The pain of not really touching is killing me day by day the intensity of this pain is growing deep inside my heart. I wanna touch your lips, with mine. I wanna hug you tight and I wanna force you to . . . I wanna force you.

I am loosing grip on myself My love. So helpless. Nothing matters to me My love, I am becoming again calm and silent. Taking this pain silently. The dream I dreamt where your tenderness touches me is so painful to me to handle. Tears just pour out . . . I don't know I got no hope, I wish for death. And look at my angel who sits right in front of me. I ask  her why you shown him to me? For this pain? She laughs and disappears. I am going mad. That hits me, my mind. Your hug . . . your gentle hug and I cry in pain. This is torture. That I want to end. My love stop it. Please stop entering into my mind and soul. I am enduring all this . . . I don't deserve this pain. It's too much to take. My little body cannot handle this pain. 

I keep remembering the moment before you lean to kiss me, it's so peaceful and nice. I want that moment My love. I want it too badly. Why I have to love you? Why you? Why me? Why this pain? I don't deserve this, not this. I would do anything to get the life with you. That life with you. The love of you . . .